It is currently January 2021, we are still in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic which turned 2020 into a year to forget for so many people. There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon with vaccines being approved and just starting to be rolled out to the general population, starting with the oldest and most vulnerable. However, England has been plunged into its 3rd lockout in 10 months with cases rises rapidly and hospitals filling up quickly.
At this moment we have little idea of how long we will have to endure lockdowns, furlough schemes, tier systems, shop and pub/restaurant closures and much more. I write this as, I hope, we can look back at some point and find this time a distant memory.
This pandemic has no doubt left this country, much of Europe and undoubtedly further afield with a mental health crisis like one that has never been seen in all our lifetimes.
I recently turned 41 years old and I have lived my whole adult life with severe anxiety and I can pinpoint the start to a specific event when I was 16 years old. For much of my childhood and teenage years I competed in rhythmic gymnastics, I was pretty good and competed in countless regional and a few national competitions. I spent a lot of my time training. I didn’t have time to hang around with mates so I was 16 when I went out with a friend for the first time on a ‘proper’ night out.
It was a local venue full of people our age (not serving alcohol so we were fine to be there). We had been there a while and decided to go into the toilets for a chat and get away from the noise. There were a group of girls in there who wanted a fight, I didn’t count them but we were vastly outnumbered as there were at least six of them to the two of us. I came off the worst covered in bruises, two black eyes and a fractured cheek bone. We were eventually rescued by a different group of girls who had come in, saw what was happening and helped us. The perpetrators made a very swift exit through a nearby fire exit. It later transpired the group were actually banned from the venue for having done the same thing before but one had got in and let the others in through the fire exit at some point earlier in the evening.
I became terrified of groups of people, especially drunk. To this day I have never been to a nightclub and I have been on night out in my local town centre maybe twice. In my late teens and early 20’s I was a regular at a couple of local country pubs and had some fun nights out but I never drank. I only ever felt safe if I had my car, if there were any groups of people that scared me then I would simply get in my car and leave which I regularly did. Upon entering anywhere, I would do a reccy of everyone and decide the level of ‘threat’. I am still very aware of people around me although it’s been a long time since I walked out of somewhere! The rational part of me knows that was ridiculous and the aforementioned groups probably never even noticed me but anxiety isn’t rational.
I was referred for counselling in my early 20’s which, ironically, was in a building about 200 yards from the venue where the incident happened. That was stopped after two sessions though due to lack of funding.
Life carried on, as it has a habit of doing, and I married my husband when I was 25 years old, our first son was due on our first wedding anniversary and our second son came along 16 months later.
Running
Around 2012 I started running and eventually entered a couple of 10k’s with my sister, I loved them. As a family we regularly raised money for a hospice who looked after my grandad before he died and towards the end of 2013 the hospice charity asked me if I wanted to run the London marathon in April 2014. I said no at the time as I wasn’t anywhere near ready but said to ask me again the following year. At the end of 2014 I found myself entered into the 2015 London marathon along with my sister. It was amazing and a day I will never forget! We finished together in 5hrs 45mins.
I joined my local running club around then but didn’t actually go along, I had a serious case of imposter syndrome. I had seen them around and they looked so much better than me! Over the next couple of years I paid my annual membership but never actually went. Every year the club is awarded a number of London marathon places and any member can request their name to go into a hat to get a place, which I did (London marathon is very popular and notoriously difficult to get a place). One morning in November 2017 I checked my phone and found a general email from the running club regarding the marathon places, they had pulled the names out of the hat the previous evening and mine was the second listed out of the three names. I couldn’t quite believe it. I was elated and shocked at the same time.
I decided to go along to the club the following week and they were/are amazing, so welcoming to everybody regardless of speed and there is a group for everybody from absolute beginners to some incredibly talented and speedy runners.
I targeted 2018 marathon to beat my previous time but that wasn’t to be, I can’t describe the heat that day and it turned out to be the hottest ever London marathon, but I still finished in 5hrs 57mins. I am not a fast runner and I don’t run for speed – for me its enjoyment with the added benefit of keeping me fit and in good shape. I go out with the running club a couple of times a week still and have made a great group of friends.
In mid-2019 I went to my first parkrun, my eldest son played football on a Saturday morning which clashed with parkrun. My boys always take priority but when football training moved days we decided to go along. My boys run with me quite often and joined me on that first parkrun and the vast majority since then. Parkrun is fantastic, we miss it like crazy since it was stopped due to coronavirus and hope it will be back soon.
Paddleboarding
For some time I had fancied having a go at paddleboarding and in Spring 2019 I decided to book a lesson at a club near me. I am very much landlocked in the West Midlands but there are lots of inland clubs based on lakes and rivers. I did a beginner and intermediate lesson in one day and loved it joining the club there and then. The instructors and other members are great fun and a lovely group of people. I went along and hired a board each week until my husband bought me my own board for my 40th birthday. A good brand paddleboard is expensive so we bought a second hand one from the club. They sell off their lesson boards every couple of years or so, it’s a little faded, scuffed and not quite perfect on the deck anymore but it’s great. It’s perfect for me and one of the brands which are renowned for lasting for years, as and when I do buy a new board I will keep this one for my youngest son. He joins me very regularly and loves going too.
Going forward
The above was a little longer than I intended and very ‘serious’ but that’s pretty much me and where I am now. I am very lucky as being outside doesn’t make me anxious, it has the total opposite effect. I can enter races and I may get a few nerves before a race but my worst-case scenario is needing to slow down and walk which is fine. I always try my hardest but I don’t compete against anyone or set myself difficult targets. It would lose enjoyment and potentially create anxiety which needn’t be there. I also love the challenge of events. Admittedly a marathon is a big one and something a few years ago I could never imagine doing however I like to prove to myself that my body is strong even though my mind doesn’t feel strong at all.
I don’t hide my anxiety as such but, in all honesty, only a handful of people are aware of it and how much I can struggle to get through some days Some of my closest friends probably have little idea and I am probably just considered a little ‘strange but nice’. I struggled with friendships in my twenties, I think that’s largely because the limited places I would go to and that made me socially awkward but over the last few years I have gained some really good friends. I will make a special mention my oldest friend though who is one of the most amazing people on this planet and who I owe so much (you know who you are!)
My anxiety has definitely morphed over time and I can now socialise without running out of places in panic although there are still plenty of places I simply wont go to. I still tend to drive but that’s mainly convenience, I am so used to going out and not drinking that it really doesn’t bother me being the designated driver.
Currently, I live with anxiety that can be triggered by almost anything. It is sometimes worse than others and I often end up worrying about what crazy thing I will find to panic about that day. It’s hard to describe how debilitating that is. I am very good at imagining a worst-case scenario and inflating it beyond anything reasonable then panic it may come true and I need reassurance very often about all sorts of things.
There are definitely periods of time where it’s worse and other times its okay and doesn’t affect my day as much, this is something I am going to research and write about. Maybe there is someone who can relate and share their experiences.